Finding Hope In Difficult Conversations
How to talk about hard things without it ending in an argument
Don’t Run Away From Difficult Conversations
Most of us hate having them, even when we know they’re necessary. And when we finally do have them, we often handle them poorly. I’m talking about hard conversations.
You know the ones—where we need to confront someone about their words or actions. Maybe it’s a teenage child, our spouse, a neighbor, or a friend. Whoever it is, it’s difficult for everyone involved.
I believe the hardest conversations are the ones where we disagree with the other person ideologically, politically, or spiritually.
Here are five common situations requiring difficult conversations (though there are many more):
A child, relative, or friend who has just come out as homosexual
A child, relative, or friend who says, “I don’t think I’m supposed to be my birth gender”
A child or family member who has become estranged, and with whom you desperately want to reconnect
A family member or close friend with opposite political views
A family member or close friend who has left the church or is “deconstructing” their faith
Follow Jesus’ Model
So how do we navigate these discussions? While other people are obviously involved in the relationship, Jesus gave us a model showing that reconciliation should begin with us.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
— Matthew 5:23-24 NIV
Jesus’ words reveal at least three important truths:
1. Reconciliation is a priority, not optional
Jesus elevates peacemaking above worship itself. Some commentators summarize it as “reconciliation before worship, without rejecting worship”—meaning we resume worship after pursuing reconciliation.
2. We’re called to make the first move
Notice the text says “if you realize (remember) the other person has something against you.” Jesus calls us to take initiative—even when we’re unsure what we did to upset them. This is the opposite of saying, “I’ll address it if they come to me first.”
3. Relational damage impacts spiritual life
Jesus didn’t say, “Finish giving your offering, then go seek reconciliation.” He said, “Leave your gift and go!” Why? The most reasonable answer is that a broken relationship stunts our capacity to worship God.
Four Pillars for Having Difficult Conversations
How do we follow Jesus’ words and have conversations that bring hope for restored or revitalized relationships? We can build the conversations on these four pillars:
PILLAR 1: Provide a Safe Place
Before the conversation, communicate that you want to talk, but assure them it will be a safe space. Tell them you won’t accuse, belittle, criticize, or condemn them.
Then live it out. Make every effort to ensure it actually happens.
PILLAR 2: Set the Ground Rules Together
Don’t dictate rules—collaborate with those involved to create them. Say something like:
“I think it would be good to set some ground rules for our conversation so we both know what to expect. Here are my ideas. Do you have any to add?”
Then agree on the ground rules together.
Six essential ground rules for a difficult conversation:
Use “I” statements - “I am...” “I feel...” “I am angry...”
Avoid “you” or “they” statements - “You always...” “You never...” “They said...”
No accusations or attacks on the other person(s)
Do not belittle or condemn the other person’s views.
Either person can request a break at any time.
Don’t push for resolution in the conversation
PILLAR 3: Make Love the Center of The Conversation
Listen from a loving heart—not an emotional or belief-driven heart
An emotional heart can cause you to say things that you may regret later—which won’t move the conversation forward.
A belief heart leads with your convictions, conveying disagreement or disapproval that can create resistance.
Process in your heart
As you listen, resist any urge to disapprove or refute. Providing a safe place (Pillar 1) means giving them freedom to express their side.
This is incredibly hard! We want to respond and explain where and how we disagree. But a loving heart listens first.
When they are through talking, or when they ask you a question, respond out of love. Do not criticize. Do not condemn.
Instead:
Let them know they have been heard.
Let them know they are respected and valued.
Let them know they are loved.
PILLAR 4: Expect Realistic Outcomes
Understand that the first goal is understanding, not resolution
Often (especially early in discussing sensitive matters), the main goal isn’t to resolve the issue—it’s simply to understand where the other person is coming from.
Remember that this is a process.
Discussing difficult matters takes time. Deep issues can rarely be solved in one conversation.
Stay alert to warning signs.
The discussion can quickly become an argument. If any of the first three pillars are violated, the whole conversation deteriorates and creates the potential for defensiveness and conflict.
The Power of Patience
The apostle Paul said we are to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). But he didn’t say we have to do it all in one conversation.
We will hopefully have the opportunity to speak truth with the person(s), but if they don’t feel valued, respected, and loved, their mind and heart won’t be open to hear it.
Our job is to:
Be patient
Listen
Understand their viewpoint
Love them
Once they feel loved, respected, and valued, we’ve earned the right to speak truth into their lives.
God is patient with us! As we are patient with others, there is hope. Difficult conversations take time and patience. But most of all, they require sensitivity to the Holy Spirit.
Remember: The goal of the early conversations isn’t to win an argument or change someone’s mind—it’s to build a bridge of love and understanding that makes future conversations apossible.